Friends

"Definition: Friend - a person whom one knows well and is fond of.

I don't have any friends. I never really have had any, not even as a child. I don't seem to know how to make friends. I have aquaintances, people I have known for years, but not friends. I have people whom I am very fond of, but I don't know well. Every interaction we have is on a surface level, nothing deep. People don't seem to want to share themselves. Is it just not with me? Or perhaps others are content with only superficial ties.

I went through all of high school and university with only minimal interaction with my fellow students. Even then I felt like I was on the outside looking in. As I have grown older I have had more contact with people but never any real friendships.

Others seem relaxed, easy, open with each other. I am a tense bundle of nerves constantly wondering when I will be found wanting. I open my mouth and stumble over my thoughts, unable to relax and just be. At times, although I ache for relationships with others, I think life would be so much easier if I never had any contact at all. It is only with the written word that I am coherent and unafraid. And so I find myself here, writing to you, hoping that somewhere out there you exist and hear me," I whisper.

Are you listening?