I'm Learning

I'm learning,
slowly learning,
that people only want you
as a friend,
or family member
as long as -
you don't have an opinion (unless it agrees with their's),
or say anything that they are bothered by.
as long as you don't need anything,
or want anything,
or require anything.
as long as you never disagree with them,
or point out anything that they are doing wrong.
as long as you don't get upset,
or angry or sad.
as long as you aren't sick,
or tired,
or down.

If you are or do any of this,
they no longer want you
in their lives.
they cease to call,
they "unfriend" you,
they ignore you.

All their protestations of
how much they love you,
like you,
think you are wonderful,
all their supposed "christian" charity towards others,
all mean nothing.
You are alone.
I'm learning,
slowly learning this.
And it hurts
because I still like and admire you,
I still give you the right to have your opinion,
I still connect with you when you are sick, or tired or down.
I still stay your friend even when you say things that I disagree with
or that upset me.
Why aren't you willing to do the same?

copyright 30 March 2013


Are you listening?

"It's been a while since I've posted anything. Life has brought a lot of changes. We put the house on the market in January and it didn't sell until the end of July. We lived in a very stripped down house for all that time and I got to love the simplicity of less. In February I had my knee scoped. The knee is fine - I got a DVT behind my knee and then a PE. I was on Warfarin for 7 months. I then developed severe anemia. I am breathless all the time. I haven't recovered at all from the consequences of the surgery. One of the reasons we moved into town was to be nearer our family. My daughter had suggested it for years. Now we are in town she is never here but always at her boyfriend's way outside of town. She has basically cut us out of her life. The only contact I have with her and my granddaughter is when I take baby girl to her ballet class. My son and his wife are expecting their first child. In the 6 months we have been in town they have been to our house twice. Once the week we bought it just to see it and last week for dinner for my daughter's birthday. They are "always busy" when we invited them. Christmas this year is going to be a disaster. My daughter doesn't want to have anything to do with it except to get her presents. My son is having "Christmas Dinner" for both sides of the family at his house but isn't sure what day. For the first time in her life my granddaughter won't have Christmas dinner with us or her mother. She is spending it with her daddy. She and her mom will unwrap presents with us Christmas morning, then they will leave and we will be alone. Not at all how I imagined my Christmas' as a grandparent. I wanted ALL my family together for Christmas. Now I won't really have any. My daughter will be in a rush to leave and see her boyfriend. My granddaughter will be off to her dad's. My son and daughter in law's Christmas dinner will be horrible because her parents do NOT speak to me. Her dad didn't say one word to me at their wedding, her mother only that no child they have will be as wonderful as my granddaughter. The next day when we met for a "family breakfast" they didn't say a word when I said hello and they walked right on by and sat at a completely different table. I don't know how I can go to the dinner. Maybe I will sit in a corner and get drunk."

Are you listening?

Memories

"Listening to Leonard Cohen. I love his music. He answers something in my heart. His "That Don't Make It Junk" is playing now. Here is a link to listen to it . I introduced my friend Marilyn Farrell to this song. It touched a cord in her. She loved it. Everytime I hear it, I think of her. I miss her. I wish she was here listening to it with me. Rest well, my dear friend. You are loved and missed", I whisper.

Are you listening?

Lonely versus being alone

"I am lonely. So much at times I feel I can not breathe. I am paralyzed and can't find my way out. I don't know how to even begin to move forward. I have been in this relationship 19 years on April 1st. I should have known, eh. April Fool's on me. I have been miserable for 13 years. For the past 6 years I have been really trying to change things. Over 8 months ago I told him if things didn't change, I would leave him. I gave him a year. Nothing has changed, in fact it has gotten worse. He is completely disconnected. We have nothing. There is no communication at all. On my 53 birthday, on the 18th of March, I told him it was over. He has not said one word about it, not one word! I don't think he believes me. I always just accept his behaviour. This time I am NOT going to. This time I am going to find a way out. I will NOT be afraid any longer.

I would rather be alone, than lonely," I whisper.

Are you listening?

Poem

"I saw a black crow in a field of white snow.




Crow on snow


black on white


warm on cold


free on bound


life on death


crow on snow.




What do you think?" I whisper.


Are you listening?

A New Year

"I am not too good at keeping resolutions. So I won't make one to keep at this blog this year. I will just do my best. A quick update on my life. My girls didn't move away. :) I am so happy. They are staying here and I see them on a regular basis. My granddaughter comes for sleepovers and we love having her. My daughter and I regularly do things together. My son is engaged to a lovely young woman. My partner is looking forward to retirement in 1 1/2 years. My mother is still driving me crazy, THAT won't ever change. She has a boyfriend now, in Kansas and spent a month there in October/November. She will be going for another visit in the spring. Me, I have gone back to school. I took a course in Social Psychology and got an A. Not bad for someone who got her degree 31 years ago! I took a yoga course, loved it and plan on taking another. I have started doing Passion Parties and am having a blast. 2011 is going to be MY year, I whisper.

Are you listening?

My Heart is Breaking

"My daughter Sarah and 3 year old granddaughter Riley live with us. Tonight Sarah told me that she has applied for a job in British Columbia and if she gets it she and Riley will be moving. I can't bear the thought of not having her and Riley with me. I love hearing Riley's little footsteps stomping up the stairs as she calls out "Meme, where are you?'. The house will be so empty without her and her dear mommy. Three thousand miles away. How will I survive?

And yet, I know that this is what Sarah needs to do. She is not happy here in New Brunswick, there are no jobs for her in her field and she needs to move so she can take care of herself and her little girl. I am so proud of her, she has done so well with school and working and raising her little girl. Riley is a wonderful, bright, happy little girl. She is her meme's angel.

I love you my girls," I whisper.

Are you listening?