Sunday, April 30, 2006


"I live on 1.4 acres of beautiful woodlands, in an area where all the lots are at least an acre. It is beautiful, peaceful and quiet. There are animals and birds of all kinds to watch. I have seen rabbits, deer, foxes, groundhogs, bear and all kinds of squirrels and chipmunks. The birds come in all different colors and sizes.

When we bought the property, I knew there was a road right of way between our place and the next door neighbour. Didn't think developement would come for a long time. Well, the owner of the property has decided to put in a subdivision and has started cutting down the trees to make the road in. I find it haeartbreaking.

I took my dog for a walk through the cut area today and I could have wept. The bog where the beautiful wild blue iris grow, is drying up and they aren't even up yet. The clearings where the little wild flowers grow have been used to burn the trees so they are covered in ash, now the flowers won't be able to come up. The trees that were home to birds and food for woodpeckers and bugs, that had beautiful fungi on them, are lying on the ground in pieces or offered up as burnt offerings to some unapproachable god.

I wish there was someway to live with nature, as part of it, which we are, without destroying the very things that give us life", I whisper.

Are you listening?

Friday, April 28, 2006

New Brunswick Art

"Investors Group had an open house today, show casing local artists and their work. Wow, there are talented people in the area. There were paintings, pottery, silk paintings, decorated furniture and wood turnings. The beautiful vases made out of birdseye maple that I would just love to have were of course way way out of my price range. I don't have an extra $3000 just laying around!

The silk paintings were exquisite and there are one or two places I can imagine hanging one. Again though, way out of my range. It seems that everything I like, is expensive. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time finding clothes I like. I never go into the expensive stores, if I did, perhaps I would find something!

I received a beautiful cobalt blue vase for christmas, made by a local artist. Isn't it terrible, I can't remember his name. I would love to collect a piece of pottery by every potter in New Brunswick. They are all so different and yet wonderful. I would have no problem finding homes for them. I find pottery I like a lot more frequently than I find paintings. I would like to find something nice to hang on my wall. Maybe if I keep going to art shows I will." I whisper.

Are you listening?

Thursday, April 27, 2006


"I'm trying to keep a dream journal. Guess what? In the month since I started, I have had only 2 dreams that I remember. Hard to track your dreams and figure out what they mean when you can't remember them.

Dream Number 1: I am in a room with a little girl. She is about 3 with long dark hair. There is a voice, I don't know who it belongs to, asking me where I want to live, Fredericton, Victoria or Toronto. Before I can answer, the little girl says "Toronto". We then are in a loft apartment. The dream ends with me knowing the girl is myself, as a child.

Dream Number 2: I am on a bus with a group of people. I do not know on waking, whether or not I know them. The bus stops in a woods and we get off. I walk down a path and find myself on a beach. However, instead of sand, the beach is made of salt. It is huge, salt in all directions, dunes and piles of it. I walk and find myself on one of the dunes. Ahead of me are houses, I walk through 3 of the yards and find myself in the fourth yard. The yard slopes away from me down the salt dune. There is a beautiful garden, a man is working in the garden tending the flowers. He looks up and me and smiles. I say "Food for the soul". I awake.

I googled some of the symbols in these dreams. Didn't help much. Here is what I found.


Soul Future says:
Salt is well known for its healing properties, possibly highlighting areas of your life that require healing
Spirituality or religion, the state of your own spirituality, the divine within you
Being coated in salt may imply feeling emotionally drained
A need to preserve yourself or your resources
Adding flavour to something that is bland or unappealing
Somebody who is not entirely truthful, needs to be taken with a grain of salt
Aggravating something or making it worse, rubbing salt in the wound
Somebody who is reliable, honest, trustworthy, hard-working, salt of the Earth

Dream Central had this to say:
Salt in a dream is an unhappy symbol that brings chaos and discord with it. Dreaming of salt will denote that things around you will get a little fouled up and slightly askew, to put it mildly. You will find quarrels in the family and with friends break out at the drop of a hat with little or no provocation. Should you be salting meat in your dream then will you find that debts you owe begin to fall behind and you get continually harassed over them.

Whereas The Meaning of Your Dreams says:
Preservation. Zest. Maybe there is something that you want to enhance in your life.


Soul Future says:
The state of the garden may mirror your relationship with your inner being
A beautiful garden may indicate place of peace, tranquility, beauty, cultivation and transformation
A derelict garden may imply a need to cultivate more beauty, or seek out more beauty within everything
A fruitful garden may symbolize pregnancy, fertility or abundance

Dream Central had this to say:
A garden filled with fresh growing vegetables denotes that you will be prosperous only if you exercise diligence in caring for your business. If your dream garden is of flowers and fresh green trees then it foretells of a true love and a pleasant home in lovely surroundings. Should the garden be dying then you must take steps to secure your enterprise.

Whereas The Meaning of Your Dreams says: Big happiness. Inner self . Suitable time to pursue love affairs.

Soul Future says:
Having the opportunity to begin anew
Comforting a child may represent nurturing your inner child
Fun, joy, spontaneity, lack of inhibition
A need to revisit a childhood issue
A premonition about having a child or a desire to conceive
Teasing, joking, deceiving, kidding around

Whereas The Meaning of Your Dreams says: Innocence. The new self seeking to develop. Part of self nature is childlike.


Soul Future says:
An attic (loft?) may represent any or all of the 5th, 6th and 7th chakras
Your higher consciousness
The mind or intellect
Adopting a higher, greater or more holistic perspective
The condition of the attic will provide further interpretational clues e.g. a cluttered attic may suggest an area of your life that requires attention or cleansing

Dream Central had this to say:
A dream of an apartment is usually a simple dream and shows the dreamer the state of finances or other situation he or she may be involved in. A beautiful, lavish apartment indicates you will see a large increase in your income or your family life will improve. If the apartment is shabby and dark then you will experience misfortune and possible loss of a husband, lover, or money. Try to recall the other symbols that caught your eye in your dream and you will come close to approximating it's meaning.

Whereas The Meaning of Your Dreams says: A part of the total house of self. Avoiding rivals.

Interesting, isn't it?" I whisper.

Are you listening?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia

"I have suffered from both of these illnesses for a number of years. I figure that I first got sick when I was pregnant with my daughter 20 years ago. I didn't receive an official diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome until she was almost 8 years old. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 1997.

Both of these illnesses are hard for people to understand and I think that is because the person suffering from them looks well. They can in fact look really good, unless you see them when they are in a "flare" and then you can tell that they are in pain. I have been is such pain and unable to walk that I have had to use a wheelchair. That was the lowest point of my life, when I thought I had lost my mobility.

The pain and tiredness are not the worst part of these illnesses for me though. That would be the brain fog and inablitiy to concentrate, that can strike out of the blue leaving you frustrated and for me, at least, bored. I have been in a flare for the past few weeks, which is why I haven't posted much recently. The pain and tiredness has been bad enough, but it is the brain fog that has got to me. I haven't been able to concentrate enough to read, post, chat or do anything that reguires concentration or manual dexterity. My fingers just don't want to do what my mind tells them.

This brain fog can be embarrassing too. I misplace words and use the wrong ones. I do things like calling the dog, a cat, or calling the arms of my chair sleeves. My partner understands what is happening but other people who don't know me, look at me like I am stupid. It is so frustrating. When I lose words, it is like going through your house looking for something you have misplaced. I know the word is in my head and I go hunting for it and can't find it and end up just giving up in frustration.

I'm tired of being tired and in pain. I'm tired of not being able to do things that I want. I'm tired of feeling useless",I whisper.

Are you listening?

Thursday, April 20, 2006


"I hate it when I have to admit I'm wrong. Maybe it is because I am so seldom wrong. (Insert laugh here) Tonight though, I must plead guilty to being wrong, not just a little bit wrong, but extremely wrong. And the worst part of it, is I am wrong about me, personally, how I would feel and react, something I was so sure that I knew, oh so well.

Here's the story, what little "free" money my partner and I have, we invest through Investors Group. Once a year, as a thank you to their clients, they put on "The Atlantic Comedy Tour", a free evening of standup comedy with a champagne reception to start. Up until this point I have always said (heavy empahsis here) "I hate standup comedy". But I never turn down free entertainment so off we went to the Fredericton Playhouse for an evening I anticipated with about as much enthusiasium as a visit to the dentist.

We were to be amused by Andrew Grose, Tim Nutt and Mike MacDonald. Well I drank my free glass of champagne ( note: one should not eat a tic tac prior to drinking champagne, ruins the flavor. Dah!), sat down and waited to be " not amused".

Well for the next two hours I laughed so hard I thought I would pee my pants, gave myself a headache and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Not a bad way to spend an evening. Thought Andrew Grose was very clever and Mike MacDonald was ok. Some of his stuff I didn't find funny. Must admit though, my favourite was Tim Nutt, his humor was hilarious. Who knew the purchase of a toilet bowl plunger could be so amusing!" I whisper.

Are you listening?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


"When I set up this blog, I read through all the various settings and decided against word verification, not understanding that there really were people out there that would SPAM a blog. Come on folks, don't you have any anything better to do? Anyway, I have been spammed by BlogmanDan and as a result I am setting up word verification as a means to, hopefully, control all such future garbage. My vent for the day," I whisper.

Are you listening?

Monday, April 10, 2006

Digital Photography

"I spent a very interesting weekend in a class learning how to use the digital camera I received for Christmas. The course was given by a local photographer, Noel Chenier. I can honestly say that it was well worth the time and the money to take the course. My previous camera was a point and shoot 35 mm that I never really learned how to use, so when I received the digital camera I was determined to learn how to really use it. I had no idea that that it was capable of so much. I learned a lot, met some very nice people and had a great time. The only downside of the whole weekend was taking pictures outside in the very chilly wind. I almost froze.

Here is one of the pictures I took this weekend.

I plan on taking many more," I whisper.

Are you listening?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


"isolate v.1. to place apart or alone. 2. to separate from others. isolation n.

I got up early this morning, 8am. I know for some people that would be sleeping in. For me, it is about 3 hours earlier than normal. I know now why I don't get up. It makes the day too long and too lonely. By the time 3 pm rolled around I was so lonely and down, I could barely move. I just sat down and cried.

At 4pm my partner called to say he was on his way home from work. He wanted to know what was the matter. I don't think he really understands how lonely forced isolation is. It is like being put in solitary confinment.

I don't have a choice over whether or not I spend the day alone. I have to. I live out in the country, don't drive and have no friends out here. So everyday, day in and day out, I am alone. The people I know either work or are busy with their own lives, so no one comes to see me and no one calls me except my daughter for about 2 minutes a day and my partner at noon and when he leaves work.

I don't know what to do or how to make it better. I can't imagine spending the rest of my live like this. Another day seems impossible, let alone years." I whisper.

Are you listening?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Partners and Pairs 2

"Continuing with the theme of yesterday's blog I have some quotes to share:

"The essence of romantic love is that wonderful beginning, after which sadness and impossiblility many become the rule."
-Anita Brookner

"Love lasts about seven years. that's how long it takes for the cells of the body to totally replace themselves.
-Francoise Sagan

"How can one possibly eat 10,000 breakfasts with the same man?"
-Ann Bayer

"It's afterward you realize that the feeling of happiness you had with a man didn't necessarily prove that you loved him."
-Marguerite Duras

"My husband and I celebrated our thirty-eighth wedding anniversary. You know what I finally realised? If I had killed the man the first time I thought about it, I'd have been out of jail by now."
-Anita Miller

Makes you wonder about "till death do you part" doesn't it?" I whisper.

Are you listening?

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Partners and Pairs

"It's spring and it seems like the whole world is pairing up. I watched the birds all winter, they came to my feeders singly or in groups. Now they come in pairs. The ducks are back on the pond down the road from us, male and female mallards, the males feathers shimmering in the sun. Yesterday I watched 2 huge rabbits chase each through the woods behind my house. The squirrels are courting too, chasing each other up and down and through the trees. They look like they were having so much fun.

On the streets of Fredericton, you see couples walking with their arms around each other, enjoying the warm spring weather. My daughter has a new boyfriend, my son wishes he had a girlfriend. It seems that in everyone and everything "the force that through the green fuse drives the flower" is rising and cannot be denied.

Watching and reading and talking to people makes me question the human approach to pairing up. Recent studies reveal that 50-60% of married men and 45-55% of married women engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Shwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy). And yet we marry "until death do us part". According to Canada's divorce rate is 45% of married couples. This is up there with the United Kingdom's at 53% and the United States' at 49%.

Perhaps, just perhaps, we are not meant to be involved in lifelong, monogamous, one sexual partner relationships. Perhaps, as the sexual beings that both men and women are, our relationships would work best if they were either shorter term or not limited to one sexual partner. Maybe we need to re-evalute the whole "marriage" game. The divorce rate would probably go down and maybe so many people wouldn't end up hurt and angry," I whisper.

Are you listening?