When I'm down

"When I'm down, I dress in black, eat chocolate, have a couple of drinks and play very depressing music. This, I have found is a guaranteed way to get me out of my funk! As a teenager I was introduced to Leonard Cohen, his music is great to wallow in. There are a couple of other songs that strike a cord in my soul when I am down. The Ballad of Lucy Jordan is how I feel at times. I can so identify with the lines

And there were, oh, so many ways
For her to spend the day:
She could clean the house for hours
Or rearrange the flowers
Or run naked through the shady streets,
Screaming all the way!

This is where I am now, my children are grown and I have no purpose. I cannot find a purpose in cleaning house. I often wonder how the neighbours would react if I did run down the road naked and screaming! Here's the whole song for your enjoyment.

The morning sun touched lightly on
The eyes of Lucy Jordan
In her white suburban bedroom
In a white suburban town,
As she lay there 'neath the covers,
Dreaming of a thousand lovers,
Till the world turned to orange
And the room went spinning 'round.

At the age of 37
She realized she'd never ride
Through Paris in a sports car
With the warm wind in her hair.
So she let the phone keep ringing
As she sat there, softly singing
Little nursery rhymes she'd memorized
In her daddy's easy chair.

Her husband is off to work,
And the kids are off to school,
And there were, oh, so many ways
For her to spend the day:
She could clean the house for hours
Or rearrange the flowers
Or run naked through the shady streets,
Screaming all the way!

At the age of 37
She realized she'd never ride
Through Paris in a sports car
With the warm wind in her hair.
So she let the phone keep ringing
As she sat there, softly singing
Little nursery rhymes she'd memorized
In her daddy's easy chair.

The evening sun touched gently on
The eyes of Lucy Jordan
On the roof top, where she climbed
When all the laughter grew too loud.
And she bowed and curtsied to the man
Who reached and offered her his hand,
And he led her down to the long white car
That waited past the crowd.

At the age of 37
She knew she'd found forever,
As she rolled along through Paris
With the warm wind in her hair.

Lyrics and music by Shel Silverstein

Do you understand me?" I whisper.

Are you listening?

Winter Sunset

"Beautiful, isn't it?" I whisper.

Are you listening?

Canadian Authors

"If someone were to ask me if I like Canadian authors, my answer, until recently would have been a resonding NO. I am learning though, that it is just Canadian Fiction writers I don't like. I have yet to find one whose second book I would read. Margaret Lawrence turned me off Canadian writers in high school and any I have read since have only worsened my opinion. In my humble opinion, Canadian writers should never write fiction.

I have learned though that they can and do write marvelous non-fiction. I am reading my third non-fiction book by a Canadian author. The first two were Mary of Canada by Jean Skogan and Home by Anny Scoones. The current one by Margaret Thompson is titled Knocking on the Moonlit Door - Reflections on Journeys to Europe and Other Destinations. This writer has a way with words that paints perfect pictures. I feel I would recognize each place she writes about if I were to be dropped into that spot without being told where I was going.

There is a philisophical quality to Margaret Thompson's work that also appeals to me. She is, in her writings, saying much more than just giving a physical description of the places she has seen. She is seeing beyond the physical reality to the very soul of the place and in doing so expresses something about the very nature of being:

We are rational beings,but so much of our best impulsesis born of our imagination,so much of the gilding of our lives, so much of its deepest truth. It has the power to raise the dead and deliver the unborn; create the impossible and destroy the actual; open the farthest reaches of the universe to our wondering eyes; unshackle us from our mortality and set us adrift in undiscovered worlds.

How much closer could we get to seeing with an angel's eyes?

An interesting point about the book, the title grabbed me "Knocking on the Moonlit Door". It wasn't until I skimmed the first chapter that I realized why. I can be a little slow at times!! It is a line from one of my favourite poems, The Listeners by Walter De La Mare.

'Is there anybody there?' said the Traveller,
Knocking on the moonlit door;
And his horse in the silence champ'd the grasses
Of the forest's ferny floor:
And a bird flew up out of the turret,
Above the Traveller's head:
And he smote upon the door again a second time;
'Is there anybody there?' he said.
But no one descended to the Traveller;
No head from the leaf-fringed sill
Lean'd over and look'd into his grey eyes,
Where he stood perplex'd and still.
But only a host of phantom listeners
That dwelt in the lone house then
Stood listening in the quiet of the moonlight
To that voice from the world of men:
Stood thronging the faint moonbeams on the dark stair,
That goes down to the empty hall,
Hearkening in an air stirr'd and shaken
By the lonely Traveller's call.
And he felt in his heart their strangeness,
Their stillness answering his cry,
While his horse moved, cropping the dark turf,
'Neath the starr'd and leafy sky;
For he suddenly smote on the door, even
Louder, and lifted his head:-
'Tell them I came, and no one answer'd,
That I kept my word,' he said.
Never the least stir made the listeners,
Though every word he spake
Fell echoing through the shadowiness of the still house
From the one man left awake:
Ay, they heard his foot upon the stirrup,
And the sound of iron on stone,
And how the silence surged softly backward,
When the plunging hoofs were gone.

Who is the Traveller? Is it each of us?" I whisper.

Are you listening?

A Poem

"Don't feel like writing, can't think of anything to say so thought I would share a poem with you. This is by Robert Frost, one of my favourite poets.

Revelation


We make ourselves a place apart
Behind light words that tease and flout,
But oh, the agitated heart
Till someone really find us out.

'Tis pity if the case require
(Or so we say) that in the end
We speak the literal to inspire
The understanding of a friend.

But so with all, from babes that play
At hide-and-seek to God afar,
So all who hide too well away
Must speak and tell us where they are.

Do you like it?" I whisper.

Are you listening?

Motivate

"Motivate - to stimulate the interest of, to inspire.

Lately I have been suffering from a great lack of motivation. I find myself crawling out of bed at 11 am because my cats are screaming to be fed and the dog needs to be taken out. I find that there is no other reason to get up. What is there for me to do all day? I clean the house, do the laundry, take care of the pets, but besides that, there is nothing for me to do. I don't feel like doing anything because there is no absolute need for me to. Whatever I might do, it is just filling in time and laying in bed does that just as easily", I whisper.

Are you listening?

Islam

"Yesterday I had a very interesting conversation with a young Muslim man from Libiya. I learned that there are 1.7 BILLION Muslims in the world. As Ibraham said, "If only 500 or 1000 or 1 or 2 million are radicals, that still leaves the majority of Muslims as peaceful, law abiding citizens. It is hard to even imagine this many people. Far easier to picture the flag burning, hate mongering, chanting groups of Muslim men you see on the evening news.

Because I now personally know a few Muslims I am trying to learn more about this group of people. I talk to a Muslim man online from Egypt. He gave me a link to a site on Islam which I am finding very interesting. I would recommend checking this site out. It seems to have a balanced perspective, at least in the few articles I have read.

Ibraham also told me that the current dispute over pictures of Mohammad also applies to all the people Islam considers prophets, that includes those great men of the Christian bible, Adam, Moses, Abaraham and Jesus. Ibraham was horrified to see the movie Moses. He couldn't believe that we would permit a mere man to portray such a great prophet. I had not realised that like christianity and judasim, Islam also considers these men prophets. In fact according to Islam, Jesus will return on the Judgement Day.

I will continue to research Islam, for a variety of reasons. One, so that I may understand my friends better; two, so that I may better argue my points and three so that I continue to gain knowledge. One interesting thing I learned today is that unlike christianity which believes that we are conceived in SIN, Islam believes that "Humans (are) God's greatest creation on earth — born pure and equal, each a potential genius". Wow, can you imagine be taught that from birth, instead of being told that you are born full of sin and need redemption", I whisper.

Are you listening?

Honey 2

"Well after waiting to see if our dog Honey's knee problem healed, it didn't, so this past Tuesday she had knee surgery. We got her home last night and she is doing fine. She will probably continue to do fine. It's me, I am afraid that won't! For the next six months she cannot be let outside by herself, she has to stay on a leash and be walked even to do her daily business.

Honey loves spending the entire day outside during the summer. She loves to lay in the sun, chase the squirrels and chipmunks and just take it easy. I don't know what this summer will be like. The end of August seems a long way away! As well for the next 3 months she can't do stairs so she will have to be taken out one door, walked clear around the house to do her thing and then brought all the way back in. This means a lot more work for me. It is a good thing she is a loved and spoiled pooch or she would be in big trouble. As it is I hated to see her limping and in pain. I am just glad that it was a problem that could be fixed and didn't reguire a new mortgage on the house! Living in the Maritimes has its benefits, one of which is much cheaper vet bills. The same operation in Victoria, BC cost a friend $4000, here we got away with $700.

Thanks to Dr. Jeff and the staff at Island View for a great job and taking care of our girl so well," I whisper.

Are you listening?

Penguins

"As a child I lived in New Zealand for 5 years. I think I spent 3 of those years studing the Antarctic. Learned all about the various explorers and their lives, learned about the weather and learned about the penguins. Well tonight I saw the most wonderful movie (it's been a movie week), The March of the Penguins. This tells the life story of the Emperor Penguins. It is delightful, has breathtaking scenery and heartbreaking moments. Really worth watching for a change of pace from the usual fare. Actually quite a change of pace for me, I am a science fiction, action type movie watcher usually. Change is good, one learns so much and then maybe life is better." I whisper.

Are you listening?

Nor'easter

"Drove Phillip to Moncton today. He starts Block 2 of his cook's apprenticeship program tomorrow. We heard that a nor'easter would hit New Brunswick in the late afternoon but we had a couple of things to do so we grabbed lunch then dropped Phillip's stuff off at my partner's brother's home where he will stay while in Moncton. We headed to Costco and then back to the house for supper, where we spent a pleasant two hours. By this time it had just started to snow. We left at 6:20 and there was already 3 inches of snow on the ground. The wind was terrible. The drive out of town was the hardest part of the whole trip. We were only making about 20km an hour. You could see nothing at all in front of us . The normal 1 1/2 hour drive ended up taking 3 hours.

My first drive in a nor'easter. Now I know what all the fuss is about! When we reached Fredericton, it had not gotten the snow that Moncton had. In the 3 hours it took us to reach home, Moncton had been buried under a foot of snow. Phillip will definitely not be riding his bike to school tomorrow. I will look forward to seeing the snow we have tomorrow morning!" I whisper.

Are you listening?

Waiting - The Movie

"As I have mentioned previously, my son Phillip is an apprentice cook. He has shared a couple of really good books written by chefs, with me. I enjoyed both "Kitchen Confidential" by Anthony Bourdain and "Letters to a Young Chef" by Daniel Boulud. Phillip has also kept me amused by telling me stories of his day "on the line". I am continually amazed by what goes on in a restaurant kitchen. Tonight he shared a movie with us, Waiting. For an entertaining, irreverent look at restaurant life, I highly recomend this movie. Let me know what you think of it." I whisper.

Are you listening?

Daily Om

"Every day I receive in my email a wonderful article that never fails to inspire me or make me think. The Daily Om has "inspirational thoughts for a happy, healthy and fulfilling day". If you like alternative ways of thinking and a non christian approach to things you will enjoy this daily article. It is free and easy to subscribe to.

Today's article was on being able to admit that you don't know something. How liberating it can be to admit and how it gives us the opportunity to learn. Something I love to do. I am happiest I think, when I am learning something new. Which is why I probably enjoy the Daily Om so much. It teaches me something all the time. Usually something about myself, which is the best kind of knowledge to gain. Don't you think?" I whisper.

Are you listening?

Wherever You Go There You Are

"Sometimes I read things that make such perfect sense, that are written with such perfection, that I feel the need to share. Until now, there has been no one to share with, who might understand why I react to what I read, the way I do. I am hoping that among those who read this blog, maybe just maybe, something that I write might resonate within them as well.

One of the first posting I made, concerned the book Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Well after over 2 months I have finally finished reading it. It is a wonderful book, I have enjoyed reading it. I think it will be a book I will come back to time and again, as it carries a message that cannot really be completely absorbed in one sitting. I was particularly impressed with one chapter that I would like to quote in full:

"Wholeness experienced first hand cannot be tyrannical, for it is infinite in its diversity and finds itself mirrored and embedded in each particular, like the Hindu goddess Indra's net. a symbol of the universe, which has jewels at all the vertices, each one capturing the relections of the entire net and so containing the whole. Some would have us worship, uniformly, at the altar of oneness, using the idea of unity rather than an ongoing encounter with it to steamroller-like flatten out all differences. But it is in the unique qualities of this and that, their particular individuality and properties - in their eachness and their suchness, if you will - that all poetry and art, science and life, wonder, grace and richness reside.

All faces resemble each other, yet how easily we see in each uniqueness, individulity, an identity. How deeply we value these differences. The ocean is a whole, but it has countless waves, every one different from all the others; it has currents, each unique, ever-changing; the bottom is a landscape all it own, different everywhere; similarily the shoreline. The atmosphere is whole, but its currents have unique signatures, even though they are just wind. Life on earth is a whole, yet it expresses itself in unique time-bound bodies, microscopic or visible, plant or animal, extinct or living. So there can be no one place to be. There can be no one way to be, no one way to practice, no one way to learn, no one way to love, no one way to grow or to heal, no one way to live, no one way to feel, no one thing to know or be known. The particulars count."

What do you think of what he says?" I whisper.

Are you listening?

Sad

"I have been feeling sad the last couple of days. That's not why I didn't post yesterday, couldn't connect to blogger. Today can't view my blog but can write it. Hopefully this is only a temporary problem.

Why am I sad? For a number of reasons. My son is leaving to go to school for 6 weeks and I will miss him. My daughter is having problems and I am concerned for her. My mother is very ill and on the other side of the country and there is nothing I can do to help her. And as I have mentioned in a previous post my partner and I are having problems and sometimes it just seems like there is no solution.

I know all these problems will resolve themselves. My son will come home, until he decides to leave permenantly. My daughter will get her life straightened out and my mother will either get better or her life will end and that I will have to cope with. It is in my personal life that it is the hardest to find any solution or resolution. I wonder how long a person puts up with a situation that leaves them feeling lonely and alone. At what point do you say enough is enough?" I whisper.

Are you listening?

Groundhog Day

"Two Canadian groundhogs did not see their shadow and one American one did. What does this mean for spring? Will it come early or will winter hang on for another 6 weeks? Hanging on won't be too bad if the weather continues as it has. We have had a very mild winter so far. And if spring comes early, well that will be fine too. I love the green of new leaves, the colors of spring bulbs and the warm of the strengthening sun. I am eager to get back outside. I want to put another path through my yard, put in two flower beds and plant a hawthorn tree. Can't do any of this with snow on the ground.

It seems an odd thing to do, haul perfectly innocent animals out of their dens, hold them up for everyone to see and look to see if they cast a shadow. What would possess adults to engage in such an activity? I would imagine, a desire to be in touch with our source, nature. To feel that we can understand the unknown, we can predict the unknown. Back in the days when we did not have radar, did not know about the jet stream, did not have any weather predicting equipment at all, when we were at the mercy of the elements this ritual would have given people some sense that they could know the unknown. And today, the desire to understand and know the mysteries of nature still motivates us and so along with modern equipment we resort to nature to tell us what she has planned. Doesn't seem to work though, as the groundhogs predictions are only correct 37% of the time. Mother Nature keeps her secrets well,"I whisper.

Are you listening?

Ho Hum

"One of those nights, don't feel like going to bed, but can't think of anything to do. Did my daily puzzle from Jigzone. I always enjoy doing them. Todays was a beautiful waterfall. I usually beat the average time. I hate it when I don't. Gives me a momentary feeling of inadequacy. Today, however I did well. Average time for this one is 11:16, I did it in 9.8.

Chatted with a couple of friends. I really like having the ability to talk to people all over the country and the world from my computor. One friend lives right in town, talk to her more online, than I see her. Oh well, that's modern live I guess. A couple of people I really enjoy talking to seem to have vanished off the face of the earth. Life can get busy.

Should upload some pictures and email them to a friend but that requires effort and right now I am not that motivated! So I think I will call it quits and go to bed for the night. Maybe tomorrow I will be more motivated! Sweet dreams." I whisper.

Are you listening?